There isn't really a day that arrives and screams, "I'm ready to date". It's more of a journey. It happens when you figure out that one of the reasons you are struggling is that the man that left and took your life as you knew it, also took your self esteem.
Maybe you're like me and you didn't even realize that he'd been breaking you down over time .. little bits at a time .. and telling you that you couldn't do anything without him. I found myself thinking that I wasn't desirable and that I had nothing to offer. I'd been told I didn't do anything right and wasn't adequate at nearly everything I did for 20 years. How else am I supposed to feel? Emotionally abused is how I lived at least the back half of my marriage. I didn't know it at the time, but it became really obvious when I started talking to people when my marriage was in shambles. I sure wish I'd started having those conversations WAY before then!
A girlfriend told me I should go get laid. It would make me feel wanted and would feed my self esteem. I think the look on my face was somewhere between the kid in Home Alone and WTF. I think that she had a bad idea. But, then again .. Maybe not. I remember having this same conversation with Carrie when the tsunami arrived in her life - I think I gave her the same advise. Neither of us ended up doing exactly that - we are much classier women than that. BUT, we also listened to the women that love us and DID something. We stopped letting things happen to us, and took control of our own lives. We decided that we might be desirable and dipped our toes in the water.
I signed up for a couple of online dating sites. I mean how else do you meet men? I happened to still be sharing a house with Mr Unzipped - ask me how INSANE that is! So, the process was a little tricky. But it's doable, which is a scary situation in itself. Do you KNOW how easy it is to meet people on your phone and be on a date in a few hours?? Yeah. I didn't either - Mr Unzipped unfortunately did.
EHarmony. Match. Tinder. Zoosk. Plenty of Fish. Ashley Madison - oh, Mr Unzipped is there, so I'm gonna skip that one. Bumble. Farmers Only. So many choices - how in the world do you pick? I really don't know the answer. My advice is to sign up for one and try it for a bit. Start with the free version and see what happens. If you decide you like it and there is a paid service - go for it. I have tried several.
EHarmony seemed safe enough. I signed up. I browsed around and there were some interesting people. Some the good kind of interesting, and some were definitely the bad kind of interesting. But isn't that how life is? I mean there is someone for everyone and we're all different, so I guess it's great that so many varieties of people exist! I matched with several people, had some conversations, talked about my previous life - and theirs.
Over the next few weeks, I ended up matching with someone there that seemed really interesting. I was excited and terrified. We had lots to talk about, he was fascinating in so many ways. We chatted on eHarmony and then via text and the phone for a week or so. I wanted to meet him. He wanted to meet me. He lived six hours away. How's that gonna work? Well, on one hand it was good .. Mr Unzipped and I hadn't made our split overly public yet, so the road trip seemed like a great idea. So my new match - let's call him Mr Knight - and I started planning. We couldn't make it happen for about a month. Which gave us a really great time to spend time talking and developing a friendship and the sexual tension was growing. That was a nice feeling. Someone still wanted to talk to me even though he wasn't getting sex from me - that was a concept I'd missed for the last 10+ years. I liked it! I stopped matching with new people on EHarmony - I think that's an important step in the process. When you find someone, take a minute to enjoy it and get to know them. Sleeping your way through EHarmony, or whichever one you choose, every week is all kinds of a bad idea.
Mr Knight and I talked daily - several times - and were really excited to hang out with one another in person. It finally happened in July. I was going on a date. I was going to overnight in a city in the middle. I wasn't sure I was ready to actually be dating. It seems like such a strange concept at 40-something and after being married for two decades. But I was in! He was arranging the hotel, and I was showing up. BUT, there were a TON of things that had to happen before I went on that date ... come back next week and I'll help guide you through what you MUST do .. without exception!
Harper <3
Comentarios