Thursday
I did not sleep at all the previous night. It was spent sobbing on the phone with my closest and most trusted friends. My best friend stayed up all night talking to me until it was time to take Greyson to school. He only slept 4 hours. Trauma was stamped on his face. I was emotionally paralyzed. But together we navigated the morning and the coming days.
That morning, Mr. Genius texted me wanting to meet to discuss visitation, the divorce and the division of assets. He wanted a fast divorce. Quick.Easy.Painless. (For Him). Are you you kidding me? I was in no emotional state to discuss anything but us. I wanted to do the ugly beg. I did. He was cold, smug and distant. He had prepared a wall between us. One that he was hell bent on not letting me scale.
It quickly became clear at that lunch that he was in action mode. He wanted me to give him visitation details in writing. Which I would not do. This only encited more anger in him. But realistically, I could not decide 20+ years of my life and my children's lives over lunch. And I certainly was not going to sign anything. Again, I went to that unfamiliar place of begging and sobbing. The pain was pulsing through every fiber of my being. I just wanted it to end. I did not want to miss 50% of my kids lives. I did not want to lose the one person I loved more than anything on this earth. Not like this and not now.
I left that lunch more disallusioned and unsure of what was happening in my world at that very moment. The only thing that I knew was real was my husband had cut and run. He was different. Cold. Sterile. He was outwardly convincing himself that this was the best choice. Hell he repeatedly said it. I just couldn't wrap my head around how destroying two innocent kids lives, our lives and wrecking our financial future was really the best choice. What was I missing?
Doubt ran deep. Did he ever love me? Why would he do it this way? Were the things he was saying to our children and peers true? What the hell happened? All of these questions would continue to run on a continuous loop in my head for days. I thought back to our life together. As I remembered moments we shared, the pain was there to remind me that my new existence may very well be without this man that I loved. The pain was slowly taking over everything. I had to pull it together for my kids. The time to break down would be when they were sleeping or gone to school.
As I came home to the place we created a life in. 20+ years of my life sat in this 3500 square foot box. The same box that he had abandoned less than 24 hours ago. My home became a dreaded safe haven. A necessary evil. One that was haunted by Mr. Genius. Our beginning and our end. I was determined to get our lives back. My kids need to be raised under one roof by both of their parents. I was not about to let my kids become the two home children that we both promised they would never be. When would this pain and suffering end? When could the healing begin?
-Carrie
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