It happens. The moment when you have so much going on that you can't feel anything.
Y,all - I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle what I'd found. I'd just seen the full on va-jay-jay of a supposed friend on my husband's phone. Everything runs through your mind at the moment .. and for a million moments after that. Hell, really it's on a continuous loop - in vivid color, and it includes the crash and burn of your life. Mr. Unzipped is walking through life the same as yesterday, and I'm over here trying to manage information I can't even fathom.
So, now what? I mean, there has to be a plan right? Plan A was to run screaming and yelling into the room where he was peacefully sitting and ask him what the EFF he was thinking. Plan B was to do that same thing to the also married woman who decided it was a good idea to send that kind of photo to another woman's husband. Plan C was to pick up my children and just leave. Plan D .. Plan E .. Plan F .. they were all terrible. Really, every single plan was awful. The best plan was to step back, take inventory, and get help.
I don't mean schedule a therapy session with someone.
I mean go to your most trusted friend. The one that you know is on your side. Make sure you KNOW who you're dealing with before you say a single word. If it's a mutual friend or you question the loyalty at all, don't do it. Let me repeat that, DON'T. DO. IT. One of the best things you can do for yourself when you are starting down this path is tighten your tribe. I don't mean get rid of the couple of ladies you Facebook stalk, or stop texting random friends for lunch on a Tuesday, I mean TIGHTEN YOUR TRIBE. Unfriend and block mutual friends, stop taking texts from outliers, and don't blab your business all over the place. One of the things that gives you power is keeping your shit to yourself. I don't mean you have to deal with it yourself and not seek help, or counsel or girl time. But I do mean airing your dirty laundry doesn't help.
My tribe wasn't even really my tribe at the time. I had one - it was a bad one. It included mutual friends, and high school friends that decided that my husband in bed was more desirable than having me as a friend, and women that I just couldn't guarantee were loyal to me only. They got blocked. Fast. That wasn't MY tribe. They weren't MY people. So, after a few cuss words, ok, maybe a lot of cuss words, I called a friend that I'd been developing a friendship with, it wasn't tight ... BUT, it was real, and it was gonna get a whole lot real-er. It went something like this .. (at like 7:00am)
Me: "Hi. I'm gonna need someone to walk me off the cliff." *starts crying*
Brynn: "I can do that. What do you need?"
That's how that's supposed to go y'all. No questions about what happened. No judgement of you, or the situation. Just a sleeves up kind of attitude. If it doesn't go down that way. Hang up and try someone else.
That numb day involved more crying - I'm sure it was the ugly kind - and a whole lot of prayer. I mean she asked me if I had prayed about it, and you know what my answer was .. "well, no." I mean who did she think I was?? Supergirl? Who can pray when they're numb? Who can pray when they don't even know how to think? Well, you. If you're not the praying kind, that's cool. I don't pretend to be an overly religious person. I don't make it to church except for on those holidays when everyone goes - my southern roots and granny objects, but I'm busy y'all. But I do have a Faith. And my faith tells me that I can lean on prayer and God when I'm happy, or sad .. or numb. I remembered the power in prayer, and the power OF prayer, and that there is peace in it for me. If you still can't bring yourself to pray because it just doesn't work fo you or your life, then find your center and focus. Go to your happy place. Listen to music to get to the space that makes you find your peace. You need that place, however you get there, and I promise it's gonna get more important on the journey.
Eventually, when you learn to manage the numb, and find your center and peace, then you're ready to keep listening to the rest of the story.
Harper ❤
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