Friday
This dreadful day will forever be etched into my memory. It was the first time he took our children to stay at his new home. A home that I was not welcome in. A home that did not have memories of me or our lives together. A home that lacked the love of a mother...their mother.
I had the kids ready at the agreed upon time of 10 am. Both kids looked confused and afraid of what was to come. I could barely breathe from the anxiety that was building. Who would tuck them in at night? Who would talk about their day with them? How will I survive the night without them? Luckily, Greyson had a cell phone so I at least would have contact with one of them. Mr. Genius showed up on time and I took the kids out with their stuff. The moments flew by like a cruel joke. I could not stop time no matter how much I ached for it to stop. When it came time for Greyson to say goodbye he grabbed me and the tears fell to the pavement. I will never forget the anguish in his eyes as they poured out. I felt in that very instant that both kids had been ripped away from my life. That this was part of his grand plan to continue to hurt me that much more.
The hours of that day droned on. I ached all over to see my kids.
It is like he jumped at every opportunity to unleash his inner rage on me. Each time stabbing me through the heart. Years of ineffective communication have hit me like a freight train at every interaction with Mr. Genius. He just didn't have the tools. He is non confrontational and now he is just blowing full speed ahead. The goal is to hurt me. Destroy me. Leave me left for dead with little hope of figuring out what to do next.
That night was spent curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor with my best friend by my side. It was humiliating. Going to that very vulnerable place with no end in sight. She spent the night rubbing my back in between the wails. She knew this was deepest I had ever been cut. I always had my guard up. It was my protection instinct. Not this time. My life was being paraded out on display and it was a blockbuster. Everyone was lined up to watch the show and expecting free popcorn along the way.
I can't even begin to describe the relief I felt once our children were back in our home the next morning. It is where they belonged. They only knew this house. I only knew this house. This is where our story started. It can't end here like this. It just can't.
-Carrie
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